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| My Sons - Marshall and Christopher |
February 8, 2014
Dear Marshall and Christopher,
I just attended the memorial service for a colleague - a
young man who was just a year older than you, Chris. And his name was also,
Chris. I’ve worked with Chris Nikolich for a few years, and he always had a great
big smile, he had an amazing sense of humor and he always had a positive
attitude and upbeat spirit. I had no idea that he had long been suffering from
depression, and like many who end up in that kind of place, he covered his
sadness well. His death, at his own hands, came as such a shock to those of use
who worked with him, and it has made me extremely sad. I had been working with
him on a project over the past few weeks, and I never guessed that there was
anything wrong, that he was going through anything difficult at all. I talked
to him the Thursday before he died, and we laughed and he seemed in good
spirits.
As I sat in the service today, surrounded by so many of my
co-workers, I couldn’t help but think of his mother, and what anguish she must
be feeling. And it made me think of the two of you, and how broken hearted I
would be, if I ever had to deal with something like this. I’ve been through
depression before, and I know how those feelings of wanting to end the pain and
suffering can be. And the thoughts of how easy it would be – to just stop that
pain, and no longer suffer. When I was at my deepest spot, my lowest moment, I
thought of the two of you – and how it would affect your lives – at 8 and 3
years old. And I knew that I couldn’t leave you. That I couldn’t do that to
you, and that I would have to pull myself up, and work through that moment. And
I did. And I can’t tell you how many times, over these past years, that I have
been so grateful, that I had the two of you in my life, and that you ‘saved’ me
– just by being who you were, and by being so important to my life – and by
keeping me from going down that terrible road.
The service today was at Anona UMC, a church that your
father served, and where you were members for a time. Marshall, you were active
in the youth group at that church. The Pastor, Dr. Jack Stephenson, said
something this morning that I wanted to share with you. He talked about
suicide, and about how we don’t know what another person is struggling with. He
said to all of us – if we were every struggling – to ‘live through your
valleys’.
I like that – ‘live through your valleys’ - and I wanted to
share with that with you. If you are ever in a sad, dark place, and you don’t
think you can bear another day, I just ask that you take a moment, and remember
your mother, who would be devastated to lose you. Remember all of the others
who love and care for you – your family and friends. And remember that where
there are valleys, there are hills and mountains. And if you can make it
through the darkness of the valley, there will, somewhere in your future, also
be a mountaintop that you can see the world from, in a brighter, happier place.
You are both such amazing young men, and I am so proud of
who you have become. I can’t imagine a world without you – and so I just wanted
to make sure that you knew that I was here for you – always. If you are ever in
a dark spot, and need to talk, and need me to help you through something – I am
here for you. No matter what time of day. No matter where I am. I will be there
for you. So, please, don’t ever hesitate to reach out to me - to share your
sadness, or fear, or worries, or disappointments. That is why I am here.
I love you both so much. Please always remember that.
Peace and Love,
Mom
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| In honor of Chris Nikolich |
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